i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
