I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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