Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
