What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
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