Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
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