shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
