also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Randomize
