True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
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