Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
