Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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