Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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