I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
