I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
