Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
