You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Found your dick twin last night
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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