I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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