Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Plan B is the new Plan A
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
