I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
