There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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