I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
