dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize