so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
