Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
