My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
