I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
