Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Randomize
