Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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