She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
