I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
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