I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
