I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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