seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Oh god it's open bar.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize