YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
