i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
