i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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