Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
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