You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
There's always time for handjobs
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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