I'm eating all of the evidence.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
