I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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