I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
