if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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