you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
