walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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