ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Randomize
