I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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