Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Randomize
