For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
