What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
