I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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