You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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