i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
You ruined the universe
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
