Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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