She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
