I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
