i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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