I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
