I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
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