you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize