I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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