when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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