I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Randomize
