2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
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