Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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