i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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