Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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