Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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