My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Randomize
