So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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